All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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