Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I AM VODKA MAN
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
