It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
We're too hungover to prance.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
