Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
