Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
