Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
