At least make sure they are 18
Why
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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