at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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