does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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