I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
