Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
