You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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