Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
