I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
