I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
