then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
