So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Randomize
