if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
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