so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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