i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
