so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
