sarcasm needs its own font
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
