First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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