Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
