At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
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