I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
