Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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