Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
