you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Randomize
