Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
