mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
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not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
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She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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