I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
