I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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