her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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