Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
