i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
