4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex