he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
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gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
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I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now