my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??