Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Text me some of your sweat
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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