your room smells of hookers.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
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I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?