She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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