If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
