All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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