Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Randomize
