okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
