I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
