I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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