Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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