Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
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Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
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I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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