Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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