I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
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I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
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I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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