Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
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I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
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I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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