I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
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