Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
