New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
