sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
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